Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Her beautiful discipline


There was a point in recent weeks where I decided I’d had enough of being submissive, being picked up on my many faults, being caned. Our FLR has been a rollercoaster brought on by a pressure of work and outside influences and two weeks of illness, and another couple weeks of gentle rehabilitation left me thinking it was time to call it a day. 

In that period, we had pretty much dropped our FLR protocol, ‘Mistress’ reverted to ‘darling’ so we reverted to a normal vanilla relationship for some time.

While I still continued to fantasise about corporal punishment and checked out my Fet Life account, it wasn’t with the same obsessive regularity as before and the thought of going over the bench to be caned was one I’d come to dread.

Well, dread is probably a bit dramatic, but it was certainly no longer something to look forward to – even with my life-long masochistic desires.

I never thought I’d say that, especially as my fantasy had always been for Mistress to take full control of our relationship and punish me as she saw fit – and if that meant taking beyond my limits, the so be it.
But the reality was that each time I went to fetch that cane it was in the knowledge of I was about to suffer a pretty severe punishment - and the challenge of taking those beatings no longer held any pleasure.

I feel terrible to even express these thoughts because I had been the one wanting to reach this very stage in our relationship. And I am only too aware how lucky I am to have found the kind of authoritarian lady that so many submissive men with similar feelings to mine would dearly love to find.

Then this past weekend, Mistress and I were away for a quiet weekend, me feeling a lot better in my health. We were relaxing in our hotel room when the conversation suddenly changed tone and went something this: “You seem to be a lot more like your old self, do you feel better?”

“Yea, darling, I think I’m back to 100% again now.”

“Oh I’m so pleased. That means we can get back to normality.”

I knew exactly where this was going but replied: “Normality?”

“Yes, You’ve become very overbearing since you got over the worse of your illness. You answer me back. Don’t do anything around the house. I think we need our DD regime reinstated to help you remember your place.”

“I don’t think so darling,” I suggested.  “We’ve not even thought about our DD regime for weeks now. It’s been so up and down of late too. I don’t think it’s worth bothering anymore.”

I was adamant and forceful in my final statement. I thought that would be enough to dampen her spirit.
“Oh really? Well you might think like that but I’m afraid you are going to have to think again. You might cast your mind back to our discussions where we came up with new rules and even signed a contract. You handed authority to me if you remember. I’m not giving it up.”

By now my positive attitude had taken a jolt.

“Why are you so keen to go back to our DD regime?”

“Because the cane seems to be the only thing that works with you. You’ve reverted to your lazy ways. You’ve done nothing in the house now for weeks. I know you were unwell for a while and I made allowances for that - but you’ve been perfectly okay for weeks now and not made an effort to revert to how you should behave. I’ve let the situation continue just to see if you would eventually make an effort and I’m really disappointed that the more time has gone on, the worse you have become.

“You’ve even got that aggressive streak back and have been directing some downright, nasty comments at me so I think it’s time to address all your faults.”

She was right – as ever - but the thought of a minimum 36-strokes from the Dragon cane on a regular basis turned my stomach. So I countered.

“Darling, it’s not going to work,” I said, raising my voice.“ It’s never worked for more than a few weeks at a time. And I think I’ve reach the point where we should end it.”

There I said it. I might well have regrets in future months when/if the ‘need’ returnes, but that was the statement to end it for ever.

She came straight back at me. “Well that’s a shame because I don’t care what you think - or what you want or don’t want. We’re going back to our DD regime when we get home and that’s the end of it. 
What do you say?”

That final sentence was Mistress expecting me to remember my place. I heard myself reciting the accepted answer, “Yes Mistress.”

Those two words sealed my fate. We were now back to square one. Mistress was in charge and would not have to be on my best behaviour.

I know that deep down some time in the future I might feel a ‘need’ to be caned but I thought if we could continue without DD for long enough, perhaps the ‘need’ would fade. I thought it might be an itch I’d finally scratched.

But Mistress clearly has other ideas. She relishes her authoritarian role and, as I’ve said before, derives great pleasure from administering correction, accurately and severely. I’ve seen how much she enjoys that power over me. I’m the one who has unleashed that and realize now, I have to live with it.

It’s a couple of days now since out discussion and nothing has happened – yet. But I know it will and I’ve resigned myself to it. I’ve told myself that my please to annul our DD contract were premature. 

After all, I’m in a relationship I always wanted. Maybe I was being a bit over-dramatic, in my thoughts about our DD.

I think our discussion brought home to me how much more I respond to Mistress in every single way when she shows her dominant side.

I have no choice anyway. She is adamant: I have to accept her discipline. But, on reflection, experience tells me the effect of a good thrashing is a cleansing process for the both of us – and for the good of our relationship.

Whatever was I thinking when I suggested ending our DD regime?

I have to accept her discipline. I need her discipline. Her beautiful discipline.


Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Bedtime DD discussion


I’ve escaped the cane for a few days now. The last time I was punished was over a week ago for being disrespectful to Mistress, who said I was so out of order that I earned myself six black marks straight off. Six black marks equals 36 strokes of the cane. And she administered the punishment caning on the spot – some strokes with the thin Dragon, some with that awful thick synthentic cane.

It wasn’t pleasant. Mistress is continuing to maintain a very severe line with me, but it was totally justified and I willingly accepted my fate.

Since then things have been on an even keel, though I’m honest enough to acknowledge that’s partly due to both of us having spent time working away. When I’ve been at home though I’ve taken great care to see that most of my chores are done and, more importantly, I’ve been paying plenty of attention to Mistress and her needs.

Neither of us have commented on our DD regime much in recent days, although Mistress did warn me in bed this morning that I had better watch my step because she had noticed my behaviour slipping again.

Mistress had been restless in bed all night and it was about 5.00am when she suddenly said: “Did you put the bin out last night?”

My heart sunk.

“No Mistress. I forgot.”

“Well, off you go then.”

I thought better than to argue and wearily got out of bed, got dressed and went to put the waste bin out as instructed. I’m not sure what the neighbours must have thought if they heard at the wheels clattering down the drive at the unearthly hour, but I suspect Mistress might have had a wry grin as she savoured the power she has over me.

When I got back to the bedroom, I remembered to ask permission to get back into bed, which was duly granted. But then, as I snuggled warm again, Mistress added: “I did notice that the washing wasn’t done before we came to bed last night.”

My stomach churned as I half expected the next instruction would be to either go and do the washing up or fetch the cane – or even worse I’d be awarded two black marks, one for the bin, one for the washing up. 

But maybe Mistress was less awake than I thought and I escaped both.

We were cuddled up close and I’m sure Mistress was able to feel my racing heart and ragged breathing.

But then she added: “I’m not happy with you. You know the rules, yet you are starting to slacken again. You are such a naughty boi and you know what will happen if you don’t buck your ideas up?”

“Yes Mistress.”

With that, I was pushed away to the other side of our king-size bed to allow Mistress space to settle. As she drifted back to sleep I was left wide awake on the very edge of the bed, wondering how long it would be before Mistress reacquainted my poor bottom with the cane.

Sunday, 16 February 2014

Our new DD charter


I’m not sure I’ve ever had a more intense discussion with Mistress, as the one following Die Starke Frau’s comments about our DD relationship.

I think the opinions voiced gave Mistress confidence to really let her feelings known about the state of our DD regime and she didn’t hold back in tell me how it was – and how it’s going to be.
The conclusion though was that she offered me several options in which to take our DD regime:

That we continue DD - but entirely on her terms
We set a monthly maintenance punishment date
She books an appointment for me to see a professional disciplinarian
We cancel DD completely, destroy all our punishment implements and no word will be spoken of DD in the house again.

She told me that I had to give her my decision on Saturday at 11.00am.

The last option was unthinkable on my part since Mistress knows that I still have a ‘need’. But I realize that ‘need’ is still too much on my terms.

I could never see Mistress booking me to see a professional disciplinarian –an exciting fantasy though it is (Mistress later told me that she felt me refusing punishment was because she ‘didn’t do it right’ so maybe I needed to be dealt with by a professional).

And I couldn’t see how monthly maintenance would work, when we couldn’t get it to work weekly.
At least the first option meant there was some kind of corrective process in place – and, if I’m honest, it was the only real option to consider. I think Mistress knew this. 

So yesterday at 11.00, I went to the living room, appropriately dressed and asked permission to speak with Mistress.

Mistress pointed at the naughty stool and told me to sit before her.

“Well?”

“Please Mistress I’d like to continue our DD entirely on your terms.”

“And why do you think that you will be any more able to accept my authority than you have in the past?”

“I need to try harder Mistress. I’m not saying I’ll be perfect, but I am going to try my utmost to please you Mistress. I know I have caused undue stress in our relationship by refusing your authority Mistress. I’ll try very hard not to let that happen again. ”

“You understand that I will be a lot stricter in future and that you will remember your submissive role at all times – and I mean all times? And that there will be no dissent?”

“Yes Mistress.” 

“Very well. Your task now is to go and write the set of rules we discussed previously. And I want you to prepare a contract that we will both sign. You have one hour. Then we will discuss the rules thoroughly once again to make sure we are both very clear of our roles.

“Yes Mistress.”

As you can see below, there’s a basic set of rules I have to abide, our ‘DD Charter’ and the contract I found on Loving DD and adapted to suit us.

An hour later I was on the naughty stool again, reading the rules for Mistress’ approval.

As you can see below, at Mistress’ behest we now have two types of punishments, Judicial and Summary. The Summary punishment is for lesser offences and I can be punished immediately.

The Judicial punishment is something much more to be feared and operates under a system of demerits or ‘black marks’ for any serious offences. Each black mark is worth six strokes of the cane. After collecting six black marks, I’m due the cane – but Mistress can wait until I have ten black marks and deliver all 60 strokes in one ‘sitting.’

I didn’t have to wait long for my first taste of the new Judicial punishment. Mistress had already totted up six black marks in recent days and, as soon as we had completed our discussion, sent me to fetch the Judicial canes.

The punishment was as expected, quite severe, especially as Mistress used the new, heavy, synthetic cane for six of the strokes. Half way through the punishment I felt myself start whimpering but, apart from telling me to keep quite, it made no difference to my punishment. Mistress was in a determined mood with the cane and didn’t back off one bit.

After the final stroke, and while I was still fastened to the bench, she bent forward to whisper in my ear: “Most of those strokes were as hard as I could manage. I’m delighted with my accuracy at full force. Your stripes are a lovely colour and perfectly parallel. Are you happy?”

“Yes Mistress. Thank you for punishing me.”

Later we talked over the entire ritual and I asked Mistress if she was pleased I’d chosen to continue our DD. “Of course I am. It’s something you need. Without it you are quite over bearing and obnoxious at times. I think the cane helps you remember your place.”

“You suggested sending me to see someone else?”

“You have experience of professionals and, with you keeping trying to buck the system we have, I get the feeling I’m not doing something right. I wondered if you might be better going to see someone else and let them punish you. At least then you would have some kind of comparison and we could maybe learn from it?”

I was surprised at the idea. I told Mistress it might be a nice fantasy for her to take me to someone and witness a punishment but the reality didn’t really interest me.

I explained to Mistress how detached it is seeing a professional. It used to fulfill a need in me but that was it. There’s no feeling of being punished for real faults as there is with our DD. And, most important, there’s no loving emotion involved like there is between us.

I think that reassure Mistress so I had to ask, “do you enjoy disciplining me Mistress?”

Mistress smiled and said: “I enjoy keeping you in your place. And I enjoy it when I’m really accurate with the cane.”

I can feel the pride Mistress takes when she’s laid on a good set of strokes – and I could tell she really loved the dark red, almost black stripes she left carved across my bottom today. She’s inspected my bottom three times since punishment. Normally it’s just the once, straight after I’m released from the bench.

But how do I feel? Incredibly happy, and totally indulgent in my submissive role. I know Mistress will be happy that I’m both submissive and will bend to her will – and she’ll love it that I’m also scared, because, as she said recently, she enjoys seeing that vulnerability in me.

There’s also relief we’ve managed to overcome another blip in our DD - but I’m only too aware that these past few days, with all the DD discussion, has heightened my submissive tendencies. I just hope that when I’m not in that mindset I can still find it in me to submit to Mistress in a way she will expect.


DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE CHARTER (Feb 15, 2014)

Domestic Discipline rules apply at all times.

All rules and disciplinary actions are at the discretion of Mistress and are non-negotiable.

The hours of 8.30am until 5.30pm, Monday to Friday are observed as ‘Working Hours’ when both parties work independently and can focus on their respective employment. Any Working Hours outside of this must be negotiated with Mistress.

The hours of 5.31pm until 8.29am, Monday to Friday, are the hours of Service. Saturdays and Sundays are also days of Service.

Any outside activities, during the hours of Service, must be sanctioned by Mistress.

During Service an appropriate PVC uniform must be worn unless otherwise instructed by Mistress.

There will be two distinct types of punishment. Judicial and Summary.

Judicial Punishment is for serious offences (ie showing dissent, being disrespectful) and will be determined by a demerit system. A ‘Black Mark’ demerit will be awarded for any offence committed. Black marks are non-negotiable. Each black mark equals 6 strokes of the cane. Mistress may award more than one black mark in the case of a serious offense. The maximum limit to the number of black marks that can be allotted to one offense is 10. Black marks will be recorded on the kitchen chalk-board.

Mistress may administer Judicial Punishment any time between a minimum six black marks (36 strokes) up to a maximum of 10 black marks (60 strokes). The only canes used for Judicial Punishment are either of the two Dragon canes or the thick black synthetic cane. Strokes delivered with consistent force. No ‘soft’ strokes are permitted. Strokes will be applied with an interval of 5s minimum, 10s maximum with no longer breaks permitted. The recipient will be bound over the bench for punishment. Punishment may only be applied to the bared bottom and tops of thighs.

Summary Punishment is for minor offences (anything that doesn’t fit into the judicial category) and may be corporal or non-corporal. The method of Summary Punishment is entirely at Mistress’ discretion but must be administered on the same day of the offence. Any implement not used in Judicial Punishment may be used. Punishment may be applied to bare bottom, backs of legs, fronts of thighs, back, and hands – depending on implement used. Non-corporal punishments include: corner time, line writing, apology letters, humiliation clothing, withdrawl of privileges may also be awarded.  


DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE CONTRACT

This is the Domestic Discipline Contract between Mistress and boi. This contract is binding as long as both parties agree to all of the terms set out above. This contract expires and can be renewed one year after signing and agreeing to its conditions by both parties. By signing this document, parties agree to hold one another accountable and to in no way take advantage or legal action on the basis of fraud, abuse, or any other legal issue.

I, Mistress, hereby agree to uphold our Domestic Discipline charter, as specified in the DD Rules (Feb 15, 2014) attached.

I accept my responsibility to uphold the discipline in our relationship at all times and to carry out any corrective measures that may be required in a fair and consistent manner.


……………………………………..
Mistress


I, boi, hereby agree to our Domestic Discipline charter, as specified in the DD Rules (Feb 14, 2014) attached.

I accept my responsibility to abide by the Domestic Discipline rules of our relationship at all times and accept, without question, any corrective measures that Mistress sees fit to impose on me.


……………………………………
boi


HOUSE RULES


The three tenants

I must never say no to Mistress

I must never question Mistress

I will show respect to Mistress at all times


Domestic chores

Hand Mistress her house-robe first thing in morning.

Make the bed every morning

All washing up to be completed by end of evening

Leave toilet seat down

Prepare all meals

Never leave fridge door open longer than necessary

All internal doors to be closed on leaving house

Keep Mistress’ boots polished

All housework as directed by Mistress

Other chores as directed by Mistress

Friday, 14 February 2014

Maintaining a submissive role


After the third blog post in our Boot Camp review, lawyer8, who used to write an excellent blog called Die Starke Frau (The Strong Woman), made some comments in reference to our DD regime and my attitude towards it.

I thought it might be interesting to air her views in a new blog post, rather than reply in the comments box. And I canvassed Mistress for her response too.


Die Starke Frau said: “I just want to add a short comment from a female point of view.
I know it is not a topic that is often discussed in the F/m internet world, but I want to make you aware of a aspect that you don’t seem to fully understand.
You keep saying over and over that you want to have this femdom relationship. And your partner is more or less giving you what you want. It is natural that you make mistakes once in a while and it is natural that she makes mistakes too. Only, my point is, if you guys are in a DD ‘scene’, or when you are having a time when domestic discipline is very present in the relationship, if during one of these occasions you deny her your submissiveness or your dedication or your effort to please her, it is pretty much a slap in her face.

“Being a dominant woman and being not respected in the dominant role is a terrible feeling. I mean: She loves you, she wants you happy, you want her to be dominant and she is even enjoying being dominant with you. But what is she supposed to do if you don’t stick to the submissive part?

“In real life, she cannot actually blister your butt raw constantly. Plus, she loves you, she probably does not want to actually ‘force’ you to do something.
My point is: be careful if falling out of the submissive role is really worth it. From my experience: if a man does that, it is really emotionally hurtful for the then wannabe dominant woman.”


Thank you Die Starke Frau for your thought-provoking insight.  I related your comments to Mistress and she agree totally with your observation.

“The Lady is right,” she said. “There’s nothing worse than for me to adopt the role you wanted me to take and then have you totally ignore me. Imagine how it makes me feel and how much it damages my confidence.

“The submission has to come from you - from your willingness to please me. That’s what you say you want to do but you always want to be submissive on your terms and that’s not how it works. From now on you either agree to total submission or nothing.

“I can punish your faults but I can’t force you to do anything you don’t want to. Every time you want to slip back to your old self, and refuse to accept my dominance, it knocks my confidence and I end up wondering why I bother.

“You really need to focus on what you want. You keep saying you want me to be strict, but I warn you now: You had better prepare yourself for the consequences because in future I intend to be far more strict than you can imagine. If we continue with this, I intend to play my role to the best of my ability and that means not letting you get away with a single thing in future.

“But you need to decide. If you wish for me to remain your Mistress then we do it my way. If not, we empty the wardrobe of everything – canes, whips, pvc clothing, and nothing is mentioned on the subject again.”

I’m not sure either of us would enjoy a relationship without any form of DD regime but I can understand Mistress’ frustrations.

Even after Boot Camp weekend, it only took Die Starke Frau’s comments to highlight the issues we face.

Of course, it is a really poor on my part not to show my respect for Mistress at all times and it’s something we’re working hard to eradicate. I genuinely feel bad when I let Mistress down like I do. I also feel like I’ve let myself down too.

Although I’m the one who initially wanted this lifestyle, I’m also the one who struggles the most with adapting to my submissive role 24/7. I find I can be 100% submissive over a weekend period. I make mistakes, which I’m punished for, but generally I think I please Mistress.

However, as soon as I also have to cope with the pressures of work, it’s like I can’t cope with my submissive role and switch off from considering Mistress’ needs or demands. It’s those time that I refuse to accept her authority. 

We’re working to overcome this, by Mistress maintaining her strict authority at all times (in the short term) and punishing me accordingly.

None of it really makes sense, since, far from being forced to do something I don’t want to do, I desperately want to embrace Mistress’ authority but there’s just this hurdle of outside influences, somehow preventing me from just accepting  our respective roles.

I can’t explain exactly what happens but suddenly I find myself non-compliant as something else takes precedence and no matter how had Mistress tries, this is when I reject her authority.

The plus point is that we’ve reached the point in our relationship where Mistress really enjoys her position and has gained the confidence not to yield. She told me at the weekend that I had better learn to accept what she says because I will rue the consequences and she has no intention of backing down anymore. Her comments about how strict she was going to become were quite unnerving.

I can see how much my refusal to accept Mistress’ authority can be hurtful – especially when she has worked so hard to grow into her role. And I’m aware it causes unnecessary friction in the house when I misbehave.

I’m trying to overcome my natural reaction to focus on work first and feel a shift in me not because of the constant threat of punishment that I’m now under, but because I really want to please Mistress and make her happy . I do believe things are improving, though we still have some way to go.

The recent discussions with Mistress and her willingness to push me with a very much stricter regime, seems to be having a positive effect. I do feel like a child at times – in need of discipline. But the bad thing is I behave like a child too and just do as I please.

As Die Starke Frau suggested, I need to try a lot harder to please Mistress. And it needs to be a 100% commitment on my part. The option is no DD and that would be unthinkable.